today i wrote a journal entry called āpressureā. it was about my perceived need to be publicly creative, to be both publishing and achieving recognition for my writing. along the way, a phrase jolted onto the page: āif I donāt take the hardest, scariest path forward, iām not worthy of my dreamsā.
what does it mean to be worthy of your own dreams? or, a better question: how would it feel if i truly believed i was worthy of my own dreams? the feeling that comes up is one of trust & safety. when i believe i am worthy of my dreams, iām able to relax into knowing i can achieve them.
taking the hard + scary path is thus a strategy for achieving that sense of safety. itās a way of accessing the feeling of āi will be able to do what i have set out to do.ā but does that strategy work?
based on my experience, it really doesnāt. trying to force myself to do the scariest possible thing (i.e. planning out a whole novel, or writing for three hours a day, or publishing daily online) leads parts of me to revolt and quit. quitting, in turn, increases the feeling of unworthiness, which leads to a lack of trust and safety. overall, i feel worse, and nothing gets done.
āby starting small, i give myself space to expand into greater difficulty.ā this phrase came up as i was trying to imagine a different strategy. but this isnāt just another strategy; this is a whole different belief. we can place them side by side: āif I donāt take the hardest, scariest path forward, iām not worthy of my dreamsā vs āby starting small, i give myself space to expand into greater difficultyā. i want to move toward the latter, which in turns suggests a new strategy: of starting small, and of slow progression.
the part of me that says ātake the hardest possible pathā also says āweāre not worthy of our dreamsā also says āi just want to know we can do thisā also says āi just want to be able to relaxā also says āi just want to feel safeā. while starting small, can i also make space for that part to feel safe? can that be part of my process?
āif i start small, how will i ever get anything done?ā well, here it is. this is a start. and itās done. and itās published.
pressure is not a command to contract and push forward; it is an invitation to pause and expand.
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