being worthy of my own dreams
on trying to force myself to do creative work
today i wrote a journal entry called âpressureâ. it was about my perceived need to be publicly creative, to be both publishing and achieving recognition for my writing. along the way, a phrase jolted onto the page: âif I donât take the hardest, scariest path forward, iâm not worthy of my dreamsâ.
what does it mean to be worthy of your own dreams? or, a better question: how would it feel if i truly believed i was worthy of my own dreams? the feeling that comes up is one of trust & safety. when i believe i am worthy of my dreams, iâm able to relax into knowing i can achieve them.
taking the hard + scary path is thus a strategy for achieving that sense of safety. itâs a way of accessing the feeling of âi will be able to do what i have set out to do.â but does that strategy work?
based on my experience, it really doesnât. trying to force myself to do the scariest possible thing (i.e. planning out a whole novel, or writing for three hours a day, or publishing daily online) leads parts of me to revolt and quit. quitting, in turn, increases the feeling of unworthiness, which leads to a lack of trust and safety. overall, i feel worse, and nothing gets done.
âby starting small, i give myself space to expand into greater difficulty.â this phrase came up as i was trying to imagine a different strategy. but this isnât just another strategy; this is a whole different belief. we can place them side by side: âif I donât take the hardest, scariest path forward, iâm not worthy of my dreamsâ vs âby starting small, i give myself space to expand into greater difficultyâ. i want to move toward the latter, which in turns suggests a new strategy: of starting small, and of slow progression.
the part of me that says âtake the hardest possible pathâ also says âweâre not worthy of our dreamsâ also says âi just want to know we can do thisâ also says âi just want to be able to relaxâ also says âi just want to feel safeâ. while starting small, can i also make space for that part to feel safe? can that be part of my process?
âif i start small, how will i ever get anything done?â well, here it is. this is a start. and itâs done. and itâs published.
pressure is not a command to contract and push forward; it is an invitation to pause and expand.