being worthy of my own dreams
on trying to force myself to do creative work
today i wrote a journal entry called ‘pressure’. it was about my perceived need to be publicly creative, to be both publishing and achieving recognition for my writing. along the way, a phrase jolted onto the page: “if I don’t take the hardest, scariest path forward, i’m not worthy of my dreams”.
what does it mean to be worthy of your own dreams? or, a better question: how would it feel if i truly believed i was worthy of my own dreams? the feeling that comes up is one of trust & safety. when i believe i am worthy of my dreams, i’m able to relax into knowing i can achieve them.
taking the hard + scary path is thus a strategy for achieving that sense of safety. it’s a way of accessing the feeling of “i will be able to do what i have set out to do.” but does that strategy work?
based on my experience, it really doesn’t. trying to force myself to do the scariest possible thing (i.e. planning out a whole novel, or writing for three hours a day, or publishing daily online) leads parts of me to revolt and quit. quitting, in turn, increases the feeling of unworthiness, which leads to a lack of trust and safety. overall, i feel worse, and nothing gets done.
“by starting small, i give myself space to expand into greater difficulty.” this phrase came up as i was trying to imagine a different strategy. but this isn’t just another strategy; this is a whole different belief. we can place them side by side: “if I don’t take the hardest, scariest path forward, i’m not worthy of my dreams” vs “by starting small, i give myself space to expand into greater difficulty”. i want to move toward the latter, which in turns suggests a new strategy: of starting small, and of slow progression.
the part of me that says “take the hardest possible path” also says “we’re not worthy of our dreams” also says “i just want to know we can do this” also says “i just want to be able to relax” also says “i just want to feel safe”. while starting small, can i also make space for that part to feel safe? can that be part of my process?
“if i start small, how will i ever get anything done?” well, here it is. this is a start. and it’s done. and it’s published.
pressure is not a command to contract and push forward; it is an invitation to pause and expand.