finding belonging
One of our most fundamental desires is for belonging. When we feel we belong to a group, when we know that we will be accepted for who we are and cared for when we need it, then our whole body relaxes.
We feel warmth, ease, joy, and love. We feel motivated to care for others, to offer them laughter and comfort and understanding. We become our most generous and magnanimous selves.
We all seek belonging, and we all want as much of it as we can get. But sometimes it feels very far away. Sometimes it feels difficult or impossible to find, something we believe to be scarce. That belief might be rooted deep in our past; our challenge is to learn how to move towards belonging when it feels very far away.
belonging is safety
Belonging feels like safety because at a primal level, it is safety. In an ancestral environment, if we are abandoned by the tribe, then our life is in serious jeopardy.
Belonging translates to access to warmth, care, and resources. For your subconscious mind, belonging is a life or death situation.
This urgency shows up in our bodies. Imagine a teenager at a high school being excluded by his peers; imagine what his body language would look like. Some words that might come to mind are clenched, tense, small, subdued, bracing. Those are all indications of a body in danger. He’s ready to run or fight or do whatever it takes to avoid further rejection or harm.
Now imagine someone surrounded by their beloved friends. Their body language is open, expansive, expressive. They’re a combination of relaxed and animated. There’s no sign of threat.
The experience of belonging thus shifts our body from a state of tension to a state of relaxation. The more that we believe belonging is scarce, the more time we’ll spend in that state of tension. But where does that belief begin?
learned scarcity
Unfortunately, many of us grew up in an environment where belonging felt scarce. We felt we had to perform in a certain way to “earn” belonging, which led to a specific set of beliefs:
“I’m not good enough.” “I need to be better.” “I need to prove I’m worthy of their acceptance.” “I’m broken.” “If I could just be different, then they’d love me.”
Notice the language here: of worthiness, of value, of earning, of fixing. There are notes of constant striving, forcing, and working. Not only is our body in a state of tension, but we’re exerting plentiful effort to try to win acceptance and love.
The belief that emerges is “Belonging is scarce, so I need to work really hard to earn it.” That belief gets stored deep in our subconscious mind. We can end up spending our whole life chasing that scarce belonging, desperate to earn it.
lingering
The “belonging as scarce” belief sets us up for a cycle of depletion. We try really hard to win acceptance and approval, which takes a lot of effort, but if we don’t get it, then we feel even more broken and hopeless. Our body gets even more tense, and we have to try harder and harder. On and on it goes, spiralling down into depression.
As a side effect, we find ourselves lingering in situations where belonging is not available, but we keep trying to earn it. We might find ourselves in unsatisfying relationships where, rather than recognizing that the other person isn’t capable of giving us the acceptance we crave, we try to find the way to “unlock” their love. Because we find this dynamic of scarce acceptance “normal”, we don’t recognize when we should move on.
In other words, our intuitive sense of where belonging is available is skewed. “If it’s scarce everywhere, I need to find it here.” But now we get to ask: is belonging truly scarce?
flow
Someone who grew up with the belief that belonging is abundantly available doesn’t linger in situations where they don’t feel accepted. Their attitude is “oh, well if I can’t get it here, I’ll go get it somewhere else.” There’s a lack of desperation, a lack of forcing. They recognize where they are not accepted, and simply move on.
Notice the lack of tension and urgency in that approach. Here we have a virtuous cycle: the person moves towards spaces where belonging is available, which gives them the energy and relaxation to create even more belonging. It’s less about striving and more about just flowing. They’re not “earning”, but simply seeking.
turning towards
Changing old beliefs takes time. Even if you understand at an intellectual level that belonging is abundant, that you can choose to walk away and go seek it somewhere else, your body might fight you at every step. Your subconscious learned a particular way to get this particular necessity, and it’s not going to easily let that go.
But as we orient towards the places where belonging feels abundant, as we nudge ourselves to turn towards it, like a flower turning towards the sun, then gradually our body starts to learn to relax. We feel a little more belonging, which gives us a little more hope, a little more energy. With that energy, we can search for more and more places where we feel at home.
It’s not about fixing ourselves. It’s not about changing into someone who’s more worthy. It’s simply about recognizing that over time, we can learn to relax. We can learn that belonging is abundant. We can feel at ease, like we’re welcome where we are, as we are, without having to earn a thing.
With love & appreciation,
Scott