how to set resolutions
avoiding the cycle of failure and shame
the contract
The way I used to set resolutions was to attempt to hold a gun to my own head.
Over the years, I had come to the conclusion that I was inherently untrustworthy. This untrustworthiness came from ideas about human nature (that we are lazy, shortsighted, and selfish) and judgements of my own particular makeup (that I in particular had something wrong with me). Since I wanted to be the best possible person I could be, I needed a way to solve both problems.
The solution was willpower, which I viewed as a way of forcing myself to be better. The approach was simple: set a goal, set clear milestones along the way, schedule those milestones in a way that made it very clear when and how they were supposed to occur, and then… well, on a day-to-day basis, simply make yourself do the thing.
If I succeeded, I would be rewarded by becoming the kind of person I wanted to be, someone who was unique and admirable and loveable and deeply loved. If I failed, I would punish myself with shame and guilt, whipping myself with such intensity that I ensured I would never want to fail again.
New Year’s resolutions were a perfect time to implement this structure. Most people fail at their resolutions (see above notes on human nature) and I could set myself apart by both setting particularly ambitious goals and by actually meeting them. This was the opportunity to be who I wanted to be.
And I had better do it! Or else. That was the contract: do the thing, or feel like a piece of garbage. That was the contract I had with myself. Do it, or else.
the results
As you may have guessed, the above approach didn’t work very well, for three main reasons:
Shame & guilt are depleting energies, meaning they decrease our willpower and capacity to go and take bold action.
Fear of future shame & guilt is even worse in this respect: it sends our body into fight or flight which makes it difficult to execute complex creative tasks.
Viewing yourself as untrustworthy makes it hard to make quick decisions, in the moment, and means you’re more likely to get bogged down in self-analysis.
There’s also the fact that this approach was a cruel way to relate to myself, treating myself as an unruly child. Maybe that would have been a reasonable sacrifice, if I had actually achieved my goals. But I didn’t.
I now believe the common failure to achieve resolutions is less about our human nature being “lazy” and more about the fact that we’re taught to approach them in this self-flagellating, fear-inducing way that depletes our energy and sabotages the very faculties we need to achieve our goals.
So what can we do instead?
the alternative
We want to set resolutions in a way that increases our chances of success, in a way that moves us closer to the kind of person we want to be. To do that, we want to cultivate as much relaxation & joy in our body as possible. These feelings aren’t superfluous. They energize us and allow our minds to access as much creativity and clarity as possible.
In other words, how we feel about our resolutions is now our primary concern.
Resolutions that excite us = more energy in our system = greater capacity to think and take action.
Resolutions that intimidate us = more fear in our system = reduced capacity to think and take action.
To get clear on what resolutions would energize the most, we want to start by thinking about what we’re actually seeking: what do we really want?
core desires
Start by making a list of everything you want to create in the next year, unconstrained by any thought of what’s “realistic” or not.
Do you want to write five best-selling novels? Go for it. Fall in love with twelve different people? Sure. Get married and have five kids within the next twelve months, even if you’re completely single at the moment? Great.
Make a list of all your true ambitions, and then next to each one, write down an answer to the following: how would achieving this make me feel?
How would getting married make you feel? How would writing fifteen essays feel in your body? Try to be as specific and concrete as possible: not just “I’d feel good” but “I’d feel a warmth in my belly” or “I’d feel a lightness in my chest”. Words like “satisfied”, “excited”, “light”, “joyful”, “energized”, “relaxed” are all great.
Take a moment to visualize achieving each goal, in as much as detail as you can, and notice how your body responds.
the strategy
We’ve now made a list of all the things you want to feel in the next year. These feelings are what you actually want: the achievements are just a way for your mind to try to access them. So we’ve now gotten to the truth of our desire.
From that desire, we can now make a strategy. Here, we can bring back the idea of “realism”: what pursuits would give you the best chance of accessing each of these feelings?
Let’s say I wrote that I wanted to write a best-selling novel next year. I visualized holding that book in my hands, and found that it would give me a sense of deep relaxation, spreading from my chest throughout my whole body, a sense of “I’ve finally done it.” For simplicity, we can label that sensation “satisfaction”.
If I succeeded in writing, editing, and selling a novel in the next year, I probably would get access to that feeling! But when I think about my chances of actually doing so, I notice my body start to tense up. It feels like too little time. I’ll need to be perfect, relentlessly disciplined, devoted to a point I’ve never been before—and suddenly my body is in fear mode, preparing for a struggle.
What I want is satisfaction, but what I’m creating right now is fear.
So what is a version of the novel goal that is still likely to give me access to satisfaction in the future, but also energizes me now, in the present? Maybe it’s committing to writing a rough draft (in fact, this is a real goal of mine). A rough draft would be challenging but exciting: it feels like a challenge but one I can handle. And when I imagine holding that finished rough draft in my hands, I still feel that sense of deep satisfaction.
From our core desire, we have now created a balanced goal, one that serves both our future and our present.
beyond coercion
Resolutions should be intrinsically motivating, not because they’re easy, but because they’re a fun challenge of what we’re capable of. You can use your body as a compass: “does the resolution make me feel expansive or contractive?”
Any goal that makes your body contract is going to require self-coercion. That means forcing yourself to do the hard thing, pushing through inner resistance. A certain amount of pushing may be required to achieve our goals, but what we want to avoid is constant coercion. A goal that requires us to constantly force our way forward is going to be inherently depleting, setting us up for failure.
The best resolutions require just a little bit of pushing to get over the initial fear, after which they become energizing. Think of picking up a habit of going to the gym: there’s probably going to be a little bit of “I’ll feel awkward, I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to leave my comfy bed”. But once you get to the gym and start working out, it should feel exciting. If it doesn’t, then maybe the gym isn’t for you! Maybe you need a different form of working out that’s more gratifying for you.
Your body will let you know what the right balance of challenge and fun. Trust its wisdom.
the plan
To summarize this approach to resolution:
We come up with a list of goals that reflect our highest ambitions
We analyze those goals to get clear on the root feeling we’re seeking to create
Based on that feeling, we come up with a different resolution that seems most likely to lead to that felt sensation
We check how the new resolutions feel in our body, adjusting until they feel exciting but not overwhelming
At the end of this exercise, you should have a list of resolution which feel fun. The last step is to remember that making resolutions is not a contract: you’re not a bad person or a failure if you abandon them in a day or in a month. Setting goals is just about getting clearer on your desires and preferences: the process is the goal.
Here’s my list of creative goals for this year:
Write & publish a new essay at least once a week
Finish a rough draft of my non-fiction book (more on that to come)
Finish a rough draft of my novella
Launch a new offer suite for 1:1 coaching (stay tuned!)
Each of these feels like a challenge, but one I’m excited to tackle. I’m motivated to get them done as soon as possible, which will give me a bunch of surplus energy which I can use to go after even more ambitious goals in the future.
That’s the real goal: not to achieve a single resolution, but to become the sort of person who understands their own energy, and who can coax it into its highest intensity, and apply it for the benefit of all.
With love & appreciation,
Scott
P.S. if you’d like support in making 2025 your most prolific year, check out my 1:1 coaching. 🍊
You have a way of putting language to things I’m actively exploring and learning that feel so mysterious and unutterable! Thanks for helping my brain catch up to my body.