making friends with our fear

inviting mara to tea

In Buddhist thought, Mara represents everything that keeps the mind enslaved—fear, doubt, avoidance, anxiety, craving. After the Buddha attained enlightenment, Mara appeared, seeking to corrupt him.. As the Buddha sat beneath a bodhi tree, Mara summoned dramatic visions meant to instill fear & desire in his victim, including monsters, beautiful women, and the promise of transcendence.

Buddha’s response was simple: “I see you, Mara. Come, sit. Let us have tea.”

Unable to provoke the Buddha, Mara eventually departed.

Two millennia later, this idea of “inviting Mara to tea” shows up in modern inner work practices like Internal Family Systems. In IFS, we can visualize fear as a frozen part of you, old programming that’s no longer relevant. By relating to it with kindness and warmth—by inviting it to tea—we are able to transform it.

This approach is often the most effective path. Trying to reject or even destroy our fear usually backfires. When I’m feeling afraid, and I try to just think my way out of it (“I shouldn’t be afraid—I shouldn’t be afraid—I shouldn’t be afraid”), I usually end up introducing more fear and tension into my body. I become anxious about my anxiety.

But when we allow our fear to be here—when we notice it without judgement—then we introduce relaxation into our body. The fear is still present & unpleasant, but we’re not fighting against it. We can relax around it.

Instantly, our body feels safer. It’s a bit of a paradox, but our body starts to feel safe about the fear. We realize it’s okay to be afraid, which means there’s less to be afraid of, and… next thing you know, the core fear starts to dissipate.

Emotions are just signals. They want to be heard, acknowledged, and appreciated. They want to be invited to tea. Once that’s done—once they have the recognition, warmth, and love that they seek—then they’re able to settle down. Usually, they turn into something else, like joy, excitement, and calm.

The next time your fear is being particularly stubborn, ask yourself—what if I stopped trying so hard to fight it? What if I sat down with it, spent some time in its company? How might it feel after a warm cup of tea?

With love & appreciation,

Scott

P.S. if you’d like support in transforming your relationship to your fear, check out my 1:1 coaching. 🍊