Unconditional self-acceptance

Why it matters, why it must be embraced

Maxim #1: The purpose of life is deep connection with others.

We all know this, at some level. This exact theme is echoed in every religion, song, philosophic movement, and movie. Our greatest joy and source of heroism is caring for others.

Those who pretend otherwise, and seek the false gods of money, fame & pleasure end up haunted by regret. That lesson is eternal.

Maxim #2: The source of deep connection is authentic self-expression.

You cannot connect with someone wearing a mask: not in any meaningful way, not unless you see a hint of their true face. True connection depends on seeing the other for who they are, and accepting them for it. Or, better yet, loving them for it.

We cannot connect with others if we cannot show our true self. So, then, if we want to improve the depth of our relationships, we should look at how to improve our ability to show up as we are.

Maxim #3: Self-expression is a consequence of self-acceptance.

The degree to which we show up as our true selves depends on the degree to which we feel safe doing so. Our brains are hardwired for an ancestral environment, when being exiled from the group means death. So we treat the threat of social rejection with great gravity.

Self-acceptance is a buffer against that intrinsic fear. If we can rely on ourselves as a source of acceptance & belonging, we can calm our nervous systems in times of social difficulty. We can say to ourselves: we’re okay, we’ll be okay, we’re safe.

At that point, there is no incentive to wear a mask, so we are free to be authentic and connect with others.

Maxim #4: Self-acceptance can be unconditional.

A common belief is: “If I accept myself unconditionally, I will become a horrible person.”

This model of the self posits that we are evil creatures whose consciences are just barely holding back our vile desires, via a combination of threats and self-criticism. “Don’t be bad, or I’ll hate you,” we say to ourselves.

This is, of course, no way to treat a human being. No child grows up to be a criminal because their parents gave them too much unconditional love; usually it’s just the opposite. Negative reinforcement (“you’ll be punished if you do X”) is far weaker than positive reinforcement (“I’ll praise you if you do Y instead”).

You can accept yourself unconditionally because you are fundamentally a loving person, and your misdeeds are far more likely to come from a desire for love & acceptance, rather than some overabundance of self-praise.

Maxim #5: Self-acceptance must be unconditional.

Our nervous system’s primary objective is to keep us alive. As we said, it conflates belonging with physical safety. It also cares nothing for authentic expression. When our sense of belonging is threatened, our nervous system will happily sacrifice self-acceptance as a means of finding refuge.

If, for example, we are harshly criticized by someone close to us (an overbearing parent, perhaps), our nervous system will want to take their word for it and say, “we better change, then!” That often feels like the safest route.

In that moment, the nervous system exerts an enormous influence over our thoughts. If our self-acceptance is conditional that means we have said “I will accept myself as long as I am a good person.” But in that moment of fear, our mind might jump to the conclusion, “well, their anger must mean I’m not a good person.”

In other words, we are not a consistent and reliable judge of our own character: not in the moment-to-moment intricacies of social interactions. Conditional self-acceptance is thus a trap. We will just keep moving the goalposts.

Unconditional self-acceptance cuts through this Gordian knot, and provides us a constant source of safety and belonging. From there, we open into authentic self-expression, and welcome deep connections with others.