One of the most amazing qualities of the human mind is its adaptability. Neurons learn to fire together, forming certain patterns that become more and more refined over time. These patterns enable us to walk and talk and write email newsletters with greater and greater skill and ease, but they also extend to things like emotions, thoughts, and recurring behaviours. What we might call our āselfā is actually composed of these millions of patterns, all of which are in constant flux, growing stronger or weaker with each passing moment.
Most of the work I do with my 1:1 clients is trying to change certain patterns. Usually thatās expressed as either āI want to be doing this but I keep doing thisā or āI want to feel this way but I keep feeling this way.ā Itās my job to help them identify what those patterns are, bringing them to conscious attention, and then help the client sort out how we can replace the old pattern with something new.
Invariably, the old patterns are based in fear. A classic example is āI want to pursue this career that I love, but Iām afraid that my family will judge, criticize, and reject me.ā The old boring career was an attempt to escape that fear and avoid disappointing their family, and to that end, it was quite successful! But now they want something more.
The new career is a pattern based in love. There are usually several reasons why they shouldnāt pursue it, because of the risk to their reputation or their financial stability or their attractiveness on the dating market. But they want to do it becauseā¦ they love it. It makes them feel more alive. It brings them closer to the person they actually want to be.
the practice of fear
So, a typical case. We have a pattern of fear that we want to replace with a pattern of love. But it is not so easy. As we said, these patterns get refined over time, becoming carved into us. A very old pattern, one weāve been practicing since childhood, will be very deeply engraved into the depths of our mind. Not so easy to let it go.
Usually, when someone is really stuck, itās because theyāre wrestling with a very old pattern. Their mind wonāt let it go. Their nervous system is saying āthis has kept us safe and secure for a very long time, and I donāt know what weāre going to do without it.ā Fair enough. And if they try to move too fast with the new pattern, thereās often a visceral, embodied sense of fear which yanks them back to the old one.
In this case, they simply have more practice with the old pattern. In fact, many of us are in that state: we have much more practice in fear than we do in love. So we try to switch to more loving patterns, and we donāt know how to do it. Weāre starting from scratch, fumbling about, making a mess of things. At least with the old fear patterns we know what weāre doing! So itās all too tempting to go back to them, rather than be so clumsy and uncertain.
where are we?
But hereās the important thing: at any given moment, you are either practicing fear, or youāre practicing love. Youāre either in a pattern of fear, or youāre in a pattern of love. And when youāre in a pattern, when youāre expressing that pattern with mind, body, and soul, youāre engraving it deeper into your being. So over time, weāre either going to better at love, or better at fear.
And you can tell the difference between the two. You can. Your fear patterns are going to convince you otherwise, and say āAhh, Iām not sure, this could be considered loving, and itās just so safe, why donāt we stick with it?ā But you know the difference. You know how it feels to be in a state of love versus a state of fear. And if you think you donāt, try paying attention to the two. See what you can notice the distinction, as you go about your day. How does your body feel? Do you feel aligned & at ease? Or do you feel like youāre resisting, fighting, striving?
We know when weāre in a pattern of fear, and we know if we stay in that pattern, weāre going to make it stronger. But as we said, these patterns are often deeply engraved, so we canāt just snap our fingers and step out of it. So what do we do?
learning alchemy
Very simple: we transform our experience of the pattern. Sometimes, this wonāt be possible: when being chased by a bear, I donāt recommend trying to alchemize your felt experience. If youāre anywhere above a 6/10 on the scale of personal distress, thereās no point trying to transform anything: just take care of yourself, as best you can. But if youāre below that line, thereās an opportunity.
Fear patterns are, by their nature, about trying to escape something. What weāre trying to escape is what weāve been taught to fear. Even when it seems abstract (āI am doomscrolling because as soon as I put down the phone Iāll realize Iām procrastinating and feel bad about itā), thereās some connection to some past experience (āand if I am procrastinating then Iām lazy and my parents always implied that lazy people will be punished, and so if Iām lazy Iāll be rejected and criticized and then Iāll be unloveableā¦ā). In short, whatever the fear pattern, however illogical it seems, it has very good reason to exist. At some point, we learned it was necessary.
So we donāt want to judge or shun the pattern, or try to toss it outside. Instead, we want to meet that pattern with acceptance and curiosity. We want to meet that pattern with love. What am I feeling? What am I afraid of? Where did that come from? Can I recognize that itās from a benevolent place? Can I hold space for the younger version of me who picked up this belief about the world? Can I offer them warmth and comfort? Can I simply be with this feeling, as scary as it is? Can I let it tell me all it wants me to know?
the practice of love
A funny thing happens when you meet a fear pattern with love. Suddenly, that fear pattern has been overlayed with a love pattern. Suddenly, weāre actually practicing love. What a funny thing: just by placing loving attention on our fear, our dominant experience becomes one of love. And when we practice love, our capacity for it increases, and we get better and better at it.
Itās that simple. But of course, never so easy as it seems. The fear patterns have had years and decades of practice, and so theyāre going to keep coming back, and weāre going to keep getting caught up in them, often without realizing it.
But sometimes, we might notice. Sometimes, we might be able to create a little space, a little warmth, a little curiosity. Sometimes, we might be able to create a little bit of love. And so, over time, with practice, our brains will adapt new patterns, new ways of being in the world, and the old fear patterns will fade more and more, surrounded by all this new love, and that is the purest form of transformation that I know.
With love & appreciation,
Scott
š 1:1 coaching with me