what are you practicing?
persisting in fear & love
One of the most amazing qualities of the human mind is its adaptability. Neurons learn to fire together, forming certain patterns that become more and more refined over time. These patterns enable us to walk and talk and write email newsletters with greater and greater skill and ease, but they also extend to things like emotions, thoughts, and recurring behaviours. What we might call our “self” is actually composed of these millions of patterns, all of which are in constant flux, growing stronger or weaker with each passing moment.
Most of the work I do with my 1:1 clients is trying to change certain patterns. Usually that’s expressed as either “I want to be doing this but I keep doing this” or “I want to feel this way but I keep feeling this way.” It’s my job to help them identify what those patterns are, bringing them to conscious attention, and then help the client sort out how we can replace the old pattern with something new.
Invariably, the old patterns are based in fear. A classic example is “I want to pursue this career that I love, but I’m afraid that my family will judge, criticize, and reject me.” The old boring career was an attempt to escape that fear and avoid disappointing their family, and to that end, it was quite successful! But now they want something more.
The new career is a pattern based in love. There are usually several reasons why they shouldn’t pursue it, because of the risk to their reputation or their financial stability or their attractiveness on the dating market. But they want to do it because… they love it. It makes them feel more alive. It brings them closer to the person they actually want to be.
the practice of fear
So, a typical case. We have a pattern of fear that we want to replace with a pattern of love. But it is not so easy. As we said, these patterns get refined over time, becoming carved into us. A very old pattern, one we’ve been practicing since childhood, will be very deeply engraved into the depths of our mind. Not so easy to let it go.
Usually, when someone is really stuck, it’s because they’re wrestling with a very old pattern. Their mind won’t let it go. Their nervous system is saying “this has kept us safe and secure for a very long time, and I don’t know what we’re going to do without it.” Fair enough. And if they try to move too fast with the new pattern, there’s often a visceral, embodied sense of fear which yanks them back to the old one.
In this case, they simply have more practice with the old pattern. In fact, many of us are in that state: we have much more practice in fear than we do in love. So we try to switch to more loving patterns, and we don’t know how to do it. We’re starting from scratch, fumbling about, making a mess of things. At least with the old fear patterns we know what we’re doing! So it’s all too tempting to go back to them, rather than be so clumsy and uncertain.
where are we?
But here’s the important thing: at any given moment, you are either practicing fear, or you’re practicing love. You’re either in a pattern of fear, or you’re in a pattern of love. And when you’re in a pattern, when you’re expressing that pattern with mind, body, and soul, you’re engraving it deeper into your being. So over time, we’re either going to better at love, or better at fear.
And you can tell the difference between the two. You can. Your fear patterns are going to convince you otherwise, and say “Ahh, I’m not sure, this could be considered loving, and it’s just so safe, why don’t we stick with it?” But you know the difference. You know how it feels to be in a state of love versus a state of fear. And if you think you don’t, try paying attention to the two. See what you can notice the distinction, as you go about your day. How does your body feel? Do you feel aligned & at ease? Or do you feel like you’re resisting, fighting, striving?
We know when we’re in a pattern of fear, and we know if we stay in that pattern, we’re going to make it stronger. But as we said, these patterns are often deeply engraved, so we can’t just snap our fingers and step out of it. So what do we do?
learning alchemy
Very simple: we transform our experience of the pattern. Sometimes, this won’t be possible: when being chased by a bear, I don’t recommend trying to alchemize your felt experience. If you’re anywhere above a 6/10 on the scale of personal distress, there’s no point trying to transform anything: just take care of yourself, as best you can. But if you’re below that line, there’s an opportunity.
Fear patterns are, by their nature, about trying to escape something. What we’re trying to escape is what we’ve been taught to fear. Even when it seems abstract (“I am doomscrolling because as soon as I put down the phone I’ll realize I’m procrastinating and feel bad about it”), there’s some connection to some past experience (“and if I am procrastinating then I’m lazy and my parents always implied that lazy people will be punished, and so if I’m lazy I’ll be rejected and criticized and then I’ll be unloveable…”). In short, whatever the fear pattern, however illogical it seems, it has very good reason to exist. At some point, we learned it was necessary.
So we don’t want to judge or shun the pattern, or try to toss it outside. Instead, we want to meet that pattern with acceptance and curiosity. We want to meet that pattern with love. What am I feeling? What am I afraid of? Where did that come from? Can I recognize that it’s from a benevolent place? Can I hold space for the younger version of me who picked up this belief about the world? Can I offer them warmth and comfort? Can I simply be with this feeling, as scary as it is? Can I let it tell me all it wants me to know?
the practice of love
A funny thing happens when you meet a fear pattern with love. Suddenly, that fear pattern has been overlayed with a love pattern. Suddenly, we’re actually practicing love. What a funny thing: just by placing loving attention on our fear, our dominant experience becomes one of love. And when we practice love, our capacity for it increases, and we get better and better at it.
It’s that simple. But of course, never so easy as it seems. The fear patterns have had years and decades of practice, and so they’re going to keep coming back, and we’re going to keep getting caught up in them, often without realizing it.
But sometimes, we might notice. Sometimes, we might be able to create a little space, a little warmth, a little curiosity. Sometimes, we might be able to create a little bit of love. And so, over time, with practice, our brains will adapt new patterns, new ways of being in the world, and the old fear patterns will fade more and more, surrounded by all this new love, and that is the purest form of transformation that I know.
With love & appreciation,
Scott