If your house plant starts to wilt, it does little good to blame the plant. Our reaction to a few dead leaves usually isn’t “What’s wrong with you?” Instead, we know to look at the conditions surrounding the plant.
Does it have enough water? Enough sunlight? Too much sunlight? Does it need to be moved to another spot?
We trust that when the conditions are right, when it has what it needs, the plant will blossom. It will seem almost effortless, the leaves opening and turning towards the sun, the petals unfolding.
So we ask: is the plant experiencing an abundance or a scarcity of what it needs in order to bloom?
the gap we should close
You are not so different from a house plant. There are conditions under which you will bloom, and conditions under which you will wilt. Do you know which is which?
We complicate things by bringing the word “should” into the ecosystem. “Oh, I should be able to be more confident around new people.” “Oh, I should be able to just forgive and forget.” “I should be able to just sit down and write.”
“Should” presupposes a gap between where we are and where we ought to be. It also suggests we can close that gap by willpower alone. It’s like saying a flower can and should just decide to blossom, whether or not it has water or sunlight. If only.
you and your ecosystem
We can avoid the need for “should” by bringing loving curiosity to our situation. We know we want to flourish. We know we need certain conditions to do so. What are they?
We find the answer by paying close attention. When do you notice yourself becoming more confident? More vulnerable? More creative?
Which people help you speak your truth? What daily routine gives you access to the most peace? What kind of romantic partner helps you feel comfortable and silly and playful?
In what environments do you become your favourite version of yourself?
growing your garden
When a flower blooms, it turns to face the sun. This is a slow process of alignment, a gradual orientation. Our process will be the same.
As you notice what gives you the most energy & life, turn towards it. Spend more time in the city you most love; move there if you can. Spend more time with the friends who make you laugh the hardest. Prioritize the work that fills you with the most satisfaction. Prune away that which depletes you, and make space for that which nourishes.
the key ingredient
This process takes time. There’s an art of patience that comes with gardening. Sometimes plants need to be uprooted and pruned and given fresh soil. Sometimes they take years to bloom, even in the perfect conditions.
Again, there’s no point in trying to rush the growth. “You should bloom faster” is a pointless piece of advice to give a plant. Impatience can even make us act in ways that hinder the plant’s growth: we might prune away too many leaves, or repot it before it’s time, or get frustrated and neglect it when it takes too long to flower.
Impatience suggests that the gap between where we are and where we want to be is cause for alarm. Patience tells us that the gap is an opportunity to create something beautiful.
If we take the patient approach and pay attention to what truly nourishes, we’ll start to build a vibrant ecosystem around us, a garden which best supports our growth. At that point, our thriving becomes inevitable.
Here are some questions to invoke your curiosity:
When do you feel the most alive & vibrant? When do you feel “in bloom”? What feelings show up for you (e.g. warmth, relaxation, playfulness, joy)? Choose 2-3 feelings that you associate with your own flourishing.
When is it effortless to access those feelings? What conditions give you that access? Think about who you’re with, where you are, how rested you are, how you’ve been eating, what you’ve been doing, etc.
When is it difficult to access those feelings? What conditions restrict your access?
What can you do today to create the conditions for a bit more flourishing?
As you go about your day, notice when you feel closer or farther from your definition of flourishing. Then, with the patience of a flower, try to orient yourself towards what gives you life.
The more vibrance you experience, the more you can give to others. Your garden becomes both nourishing to yourself and nourishing to others. It becomes a place where it’s easy to bloom. 🌻
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With love & appreciation,
Scott
This is beautiful and inspiring. thank you Scott!