There are times when we need to hurry. We have appointments to make and deadlines to meet and places we need to be. We have people counting on us and big plans and ambitious timelines. Urgency is a part of life.
However, many of us live in a state of chronic urgency. We have a constant sense of โI should be going fasterโ or โI should be doing moreโ. We want to slow down, to take our time, but we feel like thatโs not an option.
But how often is that urgency actually necessary? What does it mean to always need to be doing more and more and more? Is that an authentic desire, or is the urgency just an illusion?
And if weโd rather slow down, if weโd prefer to take a more relaxed approach to life, can we find a way to let that urgency go?
falling behind
Whether we like it or not, many of us live at the mercy of our internal timelines.
We expect to be married by a certain age. We expect to be at a certain point in our career. We expect to have achieved this milestone by this point, and if we havenโt, then weโre falling behind. Weโre supposed to be farther ahead.
Since weโre playing catch up, since weโre not achieving everything we should be, we have to rush. We have to put in more effort. We have to cram more work into fewer hours, or sacrifice rest or social time or relaxation. It sucks, but we have to do it.
And we have to do it because that achievement feels necessary. If we donโt make enough progress in time, thenโฆ well, letโs ask that question. What happens then?
feeling unworthy
If we donโt achieve what we want on the โcorrectโ timeline, then we might experience a sense of failure and inadequacy. Underneath that belief, we might feel a combination of sadness, grief, frustration, anger, and loneliness.
No wonder weโre trying to avoid that outcome. But in these kinds of situations I like to reverse the question: what happens if you do achieve what you want, right on time?
Possible answers include (but are not limited to): Iโll prove myself, Iโll show others what Iโm capable of, Iโll be able to relax, Iโll know Iโm worth something, Iโll open up new opportunities, Iโll finally get to feel good about myself, Iโll prove that Iโm worthy of being alive.
If we do a little digging, these answers all point to the same result: a sense of worthiness, in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, and a feeling of relaxation in our body. If we go even further, those two desires point to the same central need: belonging.
the need to belong
Human beings are social animals, and belonging to the community was, in the not-so-distant past, essential to our survival. So our nervous system is very finely tuned to our sense of belonging.
This is what makes rejection and isolation so scary: they activate a part of your brain that says we might die. Only when our belonging is secure do we get to feel safe; only then we can relax.
Thatโs why achievement matters so much. Respect, recognition, and validation all signal our importance to the group. โThe groupโ might be our peers, our colleagues, our family, or a particular social scene. The story is the same: when weโre important, we know weโll be accepted. We no longer have to fear rejection.
If we can prove that weโre worthy or valuable or admirable or loveable, through the virtue of our achievements, then we donโt have to worry about our belonging. This, in turn, leads to a feeling of relaxation.
the urgent need to belong
But if we feel we havenโt yet proven our worth, then we feel our belonging is in jeopardy. Our subconscious minds are telling us: โif we donโt have access to belonging, then our life is in danger. We can only relax when we know we have abundant access to belonging.โ
Thatโs where the urgency comes from. Running away from the threat of isolation & death, and running towards safety & relaxation. No wonder the stakes feel high. No wonder we feel like we need to hurry.
Thereโs even an element of deserving that creeps in here: if I donโt prove myself worthy, then I wonโt belong, and Iโll die, and Iโll deserve that. Thatโs a terrifying thought for anyone, and it makes sense that we would scramble and sprint to get away from that.
cultivating safety
But, of course, this is usually an illusion. Youโre not going to die if you get rejected by the group. You probably do already have access to belonging, even if it doesnโt always feel that way. You already deserve love, relaxation, and belonging. Unless youโre in acute crisis, it is safe to relax.
But your body doesnโt know that. So that becomes a task: to create a feeling of abundant belonging within ourselves. Our subconscious needs to feel that sense of safety before itโll release the internal narrative of โhurry the hell up!!โ
The big secret is that you can give yourself that sense of safety. By tuning into your body, by creating the conditions for relaxation within yourself, you can show your nervous system that youโre already safe. It then becomes about inhabiting that sense of safety, without having to strive and fight to earn it.
This is the core of somatic work. Iโve written guides to sitting with your feelings and getting in touch with your body. It all comes down to the same thing: cultivating the feelings you seek through the practice of loving curiosity. With time and repetition, the urgency will begin to relax.
a new starting point
Itโs also worth noting that rushing will not earn you the relaxation you seek. The more time we spend in โurgency modeโ, the more we practice that way of being. Our body gets used to it. It becomes our default mode of operating.
And then, if we do actually achieve everything we want to, and weโre at the point where we should be able to relaxโฆ we canโt. Weโve trained ourselves not to. Weโve spent years strengthening the story of โnot worthyโ and now, itโs hard to let it go.
Thatโs the illusion of urgency: that itโs the only way to get the relaxation and belonging we seek. But thatโs not true. Our sense of safety can come from within.
creating from relaxation
So we can start letting go of that urgency. We can recognize that we donโt need to rush. Festina lente. We can be insistent on our own tempo. We can take our time. We can cultivate the relaxation we seek, and build our achievements with that energy.
Think how much more creative you are when you are relaxed, how much more open, how much more present. The grand irony is that chronic urgency not only makes life feel harder, but actually slows us down. Bits of urgency here and there are necessary to hit our deadlines, but most of the time, we want to be operating from a place of calm and confidence.
And we can do that. We can choose to tell ourselves a different story: that our worthiness is not up for debate, that our belonging is already abundant, and that our achievements will come at their own pace.
What happens when you decide you can take your time?
With love & appreciation,
Scott
๐ 1:1 coaching with me
this was great to read, scott.