There are times when we need to hurry. We have appointments to make and deadlines to meet and places we need to be. We have people counting on us and big plans and ambitious timelines. Urgency is a part of life.
However, many of us live in a state of chronic urgency. We have a constant sense of “I should be going faster” or “I should be doing more”. We want to slow down, to take our time, but we feel like that’s not an option.
But how often is that urgency actually necessary? What does it mean to always need to be doing more and more and more? Is that an authentic desire, or is the urgency just an illusion?
And if we’d rather slow down, if we’d prefer to take a more relaxed approach to life, can we find a way to let that urgency go?
falling behind
Whether we like it or not, many of us live at the mercy of our internal timelines.
We expect to be married by a certain age. We expect to be at a certain point in our career. We expect to have achieved this milestone by this point, and if we haven’t, then we’re falling behind. We’re supposed to be farther ahead.
Since we’re playing catch up, since we’re not achieving everything we should be, we have to rush. We have to put in more effort. We have to cram more work into fewer hours, or sacrifice rest or social time or relaxation. It sucks, but we have to do it.
And we have to do it because that achievement feels necessary. If we don’t make enough progress in time, then… well, let’s ask that question. What happens then?
feeling unworthy
If we don’t achieve what we want on the “correct” timeline, then we might experience a sense of failure and inadequacy. Underneath that belief, we might feel a combination of sadness, grief, frustration, anger, and loneliness.
No wonder we’re trying to avoid that outcome. But in these kinds of situations I like to reverse the question: what happens if you do achieve what you want, right on time?
Possible answers include (but are not limited to): I’ll prove myself, I’ll show others what I’m capable of, I’ll be able to relax, I’ll know I’m worth something, I’ll open up new opportunities, I’ll finally get to feel good about myself, I’ll prove that I’m worthy of being alive.
If we do a little digging, these answers all point to the same result: a sense of worthiness, in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, and a feeling of relaxation in our body. If we go even further, those two desires point to the same central need: belonging.
the need to belong
Human beings are social animals, and belonging to the community was, in the not-so-distant past, essential to our survival. So our nervous system is very finely tuned to our sense of belonging.
This is what makes rejection and isolation so scary: they activate a part of your brain that says we might die. Only when our belonging is secure do we get to feel safe; only then we can relax.
That’s why achievement matters so much. Respect, recognition, and validation all signal our importance to the group. “The group” might be our peers, our colleagues, our family, or a particular social scene. The story is the same: when we’re important, we know we’ll be accepted. We no longer have to fear rejection.
If we can prove that we’re worthy or valuable or admirable or loveable, through the virtue of our achievements, then we don’t have to worry about our belonging. This, in turn, leads to a feeling of relaxation.
the urgent need to belong
But if we feel we haven’t yet proven our worth, then we feel our belonging is in jeopardy. Our subconscious minds are telling us: “if we don’t have access to belonging, then our life is in danger. We can only relax when we know we have abundant access to belonging.”
That’s where the urgency comes from. Running away from the threat of isolation & death, and running towards safety & relaxation. No wonder the stakes feel high. No wonder we feel like we need to hurry.
There’s even an element of deserving that creeps in here: if I don’t prove myself worthy, then I won’t belong, and I’ll die, and I’ll deserve that. That’s a terrifying thought for anyone, and it makes sense that we would scramble and sprint to get away from that.
cultivating safety
But, of course, this is usually an illusion. You’re not going to die if you get rejected by the group. You probably do already have access to belonging, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. You already deserve love, relaxation, and belonging. Unless you’re in acute crisis, it is safe to relax.
But your body doesn’t know that. So that becomes a task: to create a feeling of abundant belonging within ourselves. Our subconscious needs to feel that sense of safety before it’ll release the internal narrative of “hurry the hell up!!”
The big secret is that you can give yourself that sense of safety. By tuning into your body, by creating the conditions for relaxation within yourself, you can show your nervous system that you’re already safe. It then becomes about inhabiting that sense of safety, without having to strive and fight to earn it.
This is the core of somatic work. I’ve written guides to sitting with your feelings and getting in touch with your body. It all comes down to the same thing: cultivating the feelings you seek through the practice of loving curiosity. With time and repetition, the urgency will begin to relax.
a new starting point
It’s also worth noting that rushing will not earn you the relaxation you seek. The more time we spend in “urgency mode”, the more we practice that way of being. Our body gets used to it. It becomes our default mode of operating.
And then, if we do actually achieve everything we want to, and we’re at the point where we should be able to relax… we can’t. We’ve trained ourselves not to. We’ve spent years strengthening the story of “not worthy” and now, it’s hard to let it go.
That’s the illusion of urgency: that it’s the only way to get the relaxation and belonging we seek. But that’s not true. Our sense of safety can come from within.
creating from relaxation
So we can start letting go of that urgency. We can recognize that we don’t need to rush. Festina lente. We can be insistent on our own tempo. We can take our time. We can cultivate the relaxation we seek, and build our achievements with that energy.
Think how much more creative you are when you are relaxed, how much more open, how much more present. The grand irony is that chronic urgency not only makes life feel harder, but actually slows us down. Bits of urgency here and there are necessary to hit our deadlines, but most of the time, we want to be operating from a place of calm and confidence.
And we can do that. We can choose to tell ourselves a different story: that our worthiness is not up for debate, that our belonging is already abundant, and that our achievements will come at their own pace.
What happens when you decide you can take your time?
With love & appreciation,
Scott
I identify with this so much. Thank you for writing this.
this was great to read, scott.